Richard Smallbone

I know Starbucks has some misguided policy based on the idea that when I order coffee from the drive thru, what I really want is to chat with you, like I’m a regular, like we’re buddies. But really, nothing makes me more uncomfortable than going through the motions of a conversation that you were forced to initiate and that I’d be rude to ignore. What I’d like to say is, “I know you’re supposed to chat with me, but I’d be fine if we just sat here in silence until my latte arrived.”

Remember the other day when I pretended to look for something I’d dropped on the floor? That was your get-out-of-awkward-conversation-free card, and I thought that you’d get it, know that it was okay for you to not pretend to be interested in what I was doing. But no. When I popped back up there you were, staring at me with that silly grin on your face.

But maybe, if it’s going to be awkward anyway, I should come up with some quick responses to make it excruciatingly uncomfortable:

“You enjoying this great weather?”

• “Yeah, it’s perfect for burying stuff.”
• “No, my family was killed on a day just like this.”
• “What are you wearing under that apron?”
• “Can I get one of those cardboard sleeve for my pants? ‘Caution: contents extremely hot’, if you know what I mean.”

“So, what are you up to today?”

• “All kinds of shit.”
• “Hiding from the police. Do you know how to get blood out of a carpet?”
• “Selling Meth. You want some?”
• “Trying to pick up cute drive-thru girls. How am I doing so far?”

“Looking forward to the weekend?”

• “Not really. I spend my weekends in jail.”
• “I sure am. I’m going to be braiding my pubic hair.”
• “Yeah. I’m going to be taking pictures of you through your bathroom window.”
• “Do you ever pee in your coffee? Just a little? It really gives it a kick…you should try it.”

You’ve been warned, Barista at the Starbucks Drive Thru Window.